Yesterday we had a fall break from our homeschool co-op. I hadn't really thought of anything fun or special to do, and we were just going about our normal morning routine. Suddenly, with absolutely no cause, I burst into tears. The kids all froze and stared at me, knowing it's not normal for me to cry unless I'm reading a book to them! Grayson asked why I was sad, and when I couldn't come up with a coherent reason, he clung to me, reassuring me that I was probably just pregnant, and that I'd be all right. I had to break the news to him that no, I'm not pregnant, and that I really didn't know what was wrong. So I did what any normal, crying-for-no-reason mama does--I put everybody in the car and went to get Frosties from Wendy's!
We drove to a local park we'd never been to before, and after we had a picnic lunch the kids played while I picked my brain. I arrived at the fact that I am having a very, very hard time with my kids growing up. Addie's 5th birthday was hard, Caiden's 10th was nearly tragic, and then Grayson's 7th last week just pushed me over the line. I watch every day fly off the calendar and just want to stop time and freeze everybody where they are! It's a family joke that I always say they can have a birthday party each year, but nobody's allowed to actually age. I can honestly say that if I could start over and go back to when Caiden was a newborn, I'd do it in an instant. I loved the baby years, the toddler stage, and preschoolers! And yes, I am loving the ages they each are now, but I am having a seriously difficult time with them growing up any more. My mom told me yesterday afternoon when I called her that she's pretty sure I'm going to need counseling when my kids leave the nest--and I could only agree! I love, love, love having children at home.
After the kids played, we walked around the pond and examined a dead turtle, lots of ducks, and minnows. Then, when my sweet friend Erin called, I sort of stopped paying attention so we could talk. (Erin has 5 boys 8 and under and is pregnant with another baby, so if she has time to call, I definitely answer the phone!) I noticed that Caiden "accidentally" fell into the pond, and then Gray and Addie followed suit. They were all three drenched to their necks with slimy, muddy pond water--and they were soooo happy! After I hung up and fished them out, they all stretched out on the sidewalk to dry out, and then we drove home--all three kids stripped down to their underwear.
While I can't say it solved my melancholy about them growing up, the fresh air certainly did help, and the kids had a blast--especially while in the pond. (I did notice on our walk back a sign saying not to wade or swim in the pond! Oops!)
These are the days and moments I'm desperately trying to savor, cherishing each normal moment, not just the milestones. I know I can't keep them from growing up, and that it would be unhealthy and not God's plan for them if I did. I am trying every day to remember that their days with me are a gift, and that I can trust the Giver with them. He is so very good, and He will walk with me each step of the coming years. And if He'd like to slow them down a little, that would be okay with me.
I love that everyone who has commented feels the same way! What a gift to be a parent!
My oldest got married in June and it's a mixture of thinking your heart will break and supreme joy to see them walking with the Lord and marrying someone who loves the Lord. They look forward to serving in full-time ministry together.
My second oldest is 18, but has waited one more year to go to college. When my oldest left for college, I literally spent 3 days in my pj's and cried! I might do it again. I thought it would get easier. It doesn't, but you have lived through it and you know they don't stop being your kids, you just don't see them everyday.
God KNEW I couldn't be an empty-nester at 44, so he gave me two more completely treasured girls. Katie will turn 10 in January, and I agree, something about that double digit age makes it feel like life is racing by. Ten is a little tough.
Tara is 8 and still a little girl (most of the time.) Thank goodness for those babies! No wonder they're spoiled.
I'm hoping that I will be swimming in grandkids before my nest is empty. Whatever God chooses, just savor each age. It is a joy to have adult children! :)
Posted by: Angie | 10/15/2011 at 03:08 PM
I am SO that person, Sarah. I struggle so so SO much with nostalgia and my kids growing up just feeds that struggle all the more. We adopted our children and a part of me wished(es) to adopt more little ones so that I can have a little one underfoot long enough for one of my oldest to give me grandkids. Warped, I know (and I'm not serious,...mostly). ;) Drink it in, as I know you are. Drink and drink and drink and when they are grown, may your cup run over with grandmotherly delights you could never have imagined.
Blessings,
toni
Posted by: Toni | 10/15/2011 at 12:57 PM
You just said what my heart has been crying for weeks!!! I link to you here:http://mommyprincessof2.wordpress.com/2011/10/15/readable-links/ Hope that is OK!
Posted by: Allison | 10/15/2011 at 11:28 AM
good grief, I'm still not crazy about the fact that YOU grew up! Seriously. I look back and wish I could go spend one day in the sandbox, or helping put on a play in the backyard, or providing supplies for a koolaide stand, or another Kid Day. That's it - another Kid Day would be just the ticket! The only, only way to slow down their growing up is for you to live as slowly as you can - not easy to do in today's society - but it's the only thing that makes our perception of how fast or slow time goes by change. If I could go back, I'd not work a day, give up many hobbies, not volunteer so much - there are years ahead for all of that but they will only be little for a very short time. And of course you will need counseling - anyone healthy gets some counseling now and then. It's the best gift we can give those who love us :-)
Posted by: Bev | 10/15/2011 at 11:25 AM
I, too, have a hard time with my Catie growing up. She's my only and my husband and I were just talking last night about that and how hard it is for me. I know those tears you shed so well. I'm trying to live each day to the fullest but late at night, especially when I see her asleep, it's hard not to feel the same way you do.
Posted by: Belle | 10/15/2011 at 10:57 AM
You are NOT alone!! I have 6 kids from 21 down to 2 plus a 2 year old grandson I keep part time. My oldest just got married last month, my second oldest is in the military, my third is away attending school at a military academy 2 hours from home this year and I homeschool the three little ones. Nothing will make you feel old and time slipping away like planning a wedding and changing diapers! Despite wanting to tie everyone up and stuff them in a closet most days, I would keep having as many babies as I could. I try to explain to my husband - I will always be jealous of pregnant women and women with lots of little kids - it's the one thing I am truly good at, being a mom. It's what God has called me to do - it defines me and I don't want to think of the day when they will all be grown up and out of the house. On the flip side - I didn't lose a daughter when she got married, I gained a really great son and even now, they both seem to need me and call me several times a week for advice or just to talk. I try to comfort myself with the knowledge of grandbabies one day and free time to sew to my hearts content!
Posted by: Billie Jean | 10/15/2011 at 08:17 AM
Sarah, I have to say, I totally identify with how you feel! I have a daughter turning ten next week (perhaps it's that 10th birthday??) and I sense a new chapter upon us. Even though I have five of them, my baby is going to be two, and my husband keeps informing me I just can't keep having children to keep a little one in the house. ;o) It does GO SO FAST. I try to stay present in each day, but the months just keep leaping off the calendar. It makes me thankful for home schooling and all the extra hours I get to be with them.
Posted by: Janna | 10/15/2011 at 07:07 AM